Genesis
Sunday, June 18, 2006
This is it.
I woke up this morning feeling tired. I did not feel anything special. My thoughts were blank and I was a bit dazed. Then I remembered - this is
the day. A reawakening. I got excited as if it was my birthday or something. It's funny how I make a big deal out of this stuff - this "project" - but I really was stuck in a rut for a very long time and it is freakin' time to get out.
But first, I need
His help.
That was 4:30 in the morning. I stood up realizing how distant I have been
.
I dressed up - wore Jet's shirt, pants and shoes then left.
I can't believe the sun's already peeking at 5 AM.
I went to church. I thought it was the best way to start the day and this journey. Of all things, what I need is guidance and I sincerely want it.
When I entered the building, I got really annoyed when it was already full - all seats were taken.
"Great way to start off, PePZ", I thought.
I had to sit in the "wings" of the building, waaay back in the church. I prayed, asked for forgiveness, and begged for
His presence.
I did not feel a thing.
Then there it was - an empty seat. I saw one inside the main congregation. I knew that was what I needed so that I could be more focused on the service. I needed to feel
something. Anything.
"Nakakahiya. Nag-uumpisa na tapos ang dami pang tao..."
Our church is very organized in our worship services especially when it comes to seating. And church officers are always around to make sure everything runs smoothly and orderly.
But still.
I stood up, walked a few steps across the room and took the seat. I got a few stares from an officer. He tapped my shoulder and said,
"Doon ka na lang kaya." Pointing to a much better chair. Again, I went a few more meters.
Nothing. Where is
He? I was desperate.
FLASHBACK!
One year ago (June 14, 2005):
I locked my self up in the car. Man, it was like I'm PMS-ing, I wanted to cry. What a sissy. Now you're thinking, "Ang hina naman nito." And it's true. I really felt weak that moment. But I didn't cry, thank you very much. I was just bombarded by many pessimistic thoughts - Is this all worth it? What am I supposed to do? Why does this always happen? It seemed like a light case of depression and overthinking. My mind moves in mysterious ways...
Then I faintly uttered, "God, please talk to me..." followed by ramblings of some sorts. I prayed. I don't know; It was just so solemn that time I almost imagined a Voice will answer from the back. I heard nothing. At the back of my mind, I envisioned Him showing up as bright light or some old lady we see in cliched Darna movies. I wished He could show up in a dream and give me a 'sign' what to do...
_________________________________
I just closed my eyes. Then the last choral song before the prayer started. Damn, I was still searching.
Inside me I was shouting,
"God, please..."
And then there it was. It was the last 4 lines of the song when I got goosebumps. I felt
Him.
_________________________________
FLASHBACK... (cont'd)
...My cellphone beeped. I have one new message.
It was from a youth org member, Ate Aileen, who I didn't catch last night. As I started reading the message, goosebumps were already tingling from my leg up:
"Be a person full of love and life.
Stay simple yet happy.
When things go wrong, don't go blue.
Just say "I will get through."
Remember, GOD loves you,
tapos andito pa ako... for you!"
A tear fell. That message was just overwhelmingly meaningful to me. The goosebumps never left my body. I held my phone near the heart. He didn't show up. But I felt Him.
END.
A tear fell. Just when the minister uttered his first word in our prayer.
pepZ
9:28 PM
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This is it.
